I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
time to smoke my breakfast
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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