What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize