I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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