Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I look better un-naked...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
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