I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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