Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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