Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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