It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
