jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
