Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
