It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
