meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
