It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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