We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
