Little spoons don't ask big questions
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
