You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
