wanna go halves on a baby?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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