if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
