how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
