Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
