I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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