two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
