Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
