It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
