I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
