I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
