He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
