So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
