I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
