That's intense
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
