How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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