Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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