Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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