dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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