Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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