i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
