She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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