Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
