i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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