Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize