So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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