i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
