I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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