I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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