Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
