Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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