You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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