During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
