WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
