Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
