Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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