I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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