he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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