I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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