I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
