How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
