I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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