dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
In America we eat man semen.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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